4 Tips for School Breaks That Won’t Break YOU!

November 25, 2019Leave a comment

Are your kids off from school this week? Mine are! Our elementary schoolers are off this whole week. We had parent-teacher conferences today, and then it’s “Camp Krispin” for the rest of the week!

Anytime our kids are out of routine, we can expect the usual Big Feelings to get even bigger. I find that too much “together time” lends itself to increased sibling strife. Whining, attention-seeking behaviors, and general neediness increases with each passing day, and for good reason: kids thrive in structure and predictability. While “going with the flow” might work for you, I can almost guarantee you that it does not work for your kids.

Over the years, I’ve learned what I need to do ahead of time to ensure that school breaks don’t break me. There are four things that I start thinking about and planning the week beforehand to foster a flourishing family environment and help my kids (and me!) have a great break.

#1: I’ll say it again: KIDS THRIVE IN STRUCTURE AND PREDICTABILITY.

Having a Vacation Routine is paramount! Keep routines as normal as possible during breaks. If your kids have a morning routine on school days (and they absolutely should!), keep it as consistent as possible. Getting dressed, eating breakfast, and having some place to be are very helpful in maintaining a sense of structure and consistency.

In our house, routines are a big part of our lives. Thanks to Positive Parenting Solutions, I’ve learned how essential Morning and Bedtime Routines are, and we maintain ours whether or not school is in session.

As for our Vacation Routine, the day always has the following components: meals at normal times, the kids have to be dressed before breakfast, there is some kind of outdoor activity, there is some sort of indoor creative activity (often it’s painting or some other art/craft), there is some sort of afternoon snack, and there is a movie.

I recommend actually writing the plan for the day down and posting it for your kids! If you don’t do that, at the very least, tell them what to expect for the day, with the understanding that things might shift a bit. We emphasize that this is “THE PLAN” for the day, not “THE PROMISE.” The plan might change, but here’s what we’re aiming for. I promise you, it makes a huge difference when the kids know ahead of time what’s coming at them.

Which brings me to…

#2. HAVE SOME PLACE TO GO EVERY DAY.

I know it sounds like a lot of work. I love the idea of lounging in my pajamas all morning, sipping coffee and listening to podcasts. But that doesn’t work for my kids. When we do that, they begin to ramp up and then spiral down into super unpleasantness. Have some place to go by 10:00 AM every day. A playground, the zoo, a walk in the neighborhood, a movie, a museum, a hike, whatever — it doesn’t have to cost anything and it doesn’t have to be fancy or far from home. For us, a picnic and playground are part of our normal routine. It gets the kids up, out, and moving, which is so good for all of us!

#3: PLAN ACTIVITIES.

Sometimes my kids can “just go play.” But often, they can’t. I find that it is very helpful to have activities planned that will keep them creatively engaged throughout the day. Usually, I can dip in and out of the room when they are doing these things—I have to get them started and often have to pop in to help out, but these are things I can also be doing other things (cooking, cleaning, editing, etc.) simultaneously. Some of the activities I have planned for this week include:

Painting (I got these easels and these canvases from Amazon and will have a Painting Party at some point this week. Bonus is that these paintings will then become Christmas gifts for grandparents!)
Collage-making (I’ve been saving National Geographic Kids, Sunset, and other magazines for them to cut and paste. Bonus: this is great for our kids who need extra OT help with fine motor skills—woot!)
Sculpting. This one’s messy, so gird up your loins. But I bought clay like this at Michaels and the kids LOVE making things with it. Once it dries you can easily vacuum up the pieces.
Indoor Hide and Seek. This is what I bust out when everyone starts to really grate on each other’s nerves. When the bickering starts to peak, I launch a game of hide and seek. It is a sure-fire winner every time.
Board Games. Uno (OK, I know that’s a card game), Race for the Treasure, Outfoxed, Sequence for Kids, Settlers of Catan, and BINGO are some of our favorites.
LEGOs. I’ve become savvy to the fact that I can’t say, “Go play with LEGOs” and expect results. However, if I set up a LEGO party on the dining room table, with bins easily accessible and front and center, two of my kids will sit and build for at least an hour or more. I have most of our household’s LEGOs in plastic drawers on wheels. I can easily wheel them out and then wheel them back into the boys’ bedroom (where they live most of the time) when they’re finished.
Playdates! I find it really helpful to plan to meet up with other kids or even to host an additional child for a few hours to break up the monotony of siblings being together 24/7.

For the record, sometimes I plan all these things, and the kids start playing something totally independently (Spy Academy, Zombie Apocalypse, School, and Family are their favorite made-up games). But it is absolutely essential for me to have a plan in case they are struggling to play well together. Again, being off routine and having too much together time are often a recipe for our kids to struggle.

In fact, I can predict that around 3:00 each day, my kids will start to struggle. (They don’t call it “The Witching Hour” for nothing!) They will be getting tired, they will have been together all day, and they will be grating on one another’s last nerve. That’s when I have the most structured activity, like painting, or give them a movie while I make dinner.

And last but not least is…

#4 SET REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS.

If you have more than one child, it’s going get loud! It’s going to get crazy! Everyone is going to need to practice their deep breathing and mindfulness and trips to the Calming Corner—ESPECIALLY US PARENTS! This is when it is more important than ever that we set our intentions for the day and take time to pray and welcome help from on high. Our ability to model patience and restraint when the volume is turned up and the tantrums are turned on will play a huge part in how the kids handle their dysregulated moments. Being proactive with structure and anticipating (and planning for) the harder parts of the day will make all the difference.

This is how I handle school breaks and vacation days. How about you? What helps your family flourish when you’re off your usual routine?

Top Photo by Allen Taylor on Unsplash. Bottom Photo from my Instagram Feed.

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5 Ways to Help Your Foster Youth Succeed in School

September 3, 2019September 3, 2019Leave a comment

Tomorrow is the first day of the new school year for students in Seattle.

For kids in foster care, school can either be a really safe, positive, and supportive space, or it can be yet another source of trauma and shame—or perhaps a mixture of both. Some children have to change schools each time they have a new placement. Some children are stigmatized for being in foster care. Some children lose days and weeks of education because of placement changes during the school year. Some children are so burdened with PTSD, depression, and anxiety that they find learning extremely difficult.

If you are a foster parent who has a child heading back to school, here are a few things to keep in mind:

Give them what they need to succeed. Take them back to school supply shopping armed with the list from their school. Let them pick out their notebooks and folders and backpacks. Make sure they have high-quality supplies. Don’t get them the cheap backpack that will fall apart or the cheap pencils that don’t write well. Make sure they have a space to study at home, and set a system in place to motivate them—perhaps a half hour with a favorite video game once homework is done. Make sure they have nice school clothes that they had a hand in picking out.

Find out what extracurriculars are available to them at school and make sure they know they have your support if they want to join. Things like after school drama club or sports can be exactly what a child in care needs to find a healthy sense of community and self esteem. If they need to get to school early or be picked up later in order to participate, find a way to make it happen for them. Give them every opportunity to have the full school experience!

Coach them on getting enough sleep and eating well. This doesn’t happen overnight, but it is so important. Perhaps for older kids this means letting them know that the internet will be off from 10 PM to 7 AM so they are not online into the wee hours of the night. For younger kids, this means having a set and steady routine.

Be in touch with their teachers and try to stay ahead of academic challenges they are facing. If your child is behind, talk with their teachers and social worker about what supports are available. In Washington, we have access to educational support for kids in foster care through Treehouse and other organizations that support youth in care. Take advantage of whatever is available. If your child is resistant to the support, those folks can often help come up with ways to motivate them. (This might be new to you as a foster parent, but it is not their first rodeo! Rely on their expertise!)

Let your child know you are with them and for them. Words of affirmation combined with thoughtful and intentional actions will go a long way! Try to speak supportive things to them throughout the week. Don’t just focus on how they’re doing in school… ask how they’re feeling about school. One way I love to do this is to share “Roses and Thorns” at dinnertime. What were the best parts of your day (roses) and what were the worst (thorns)? For ideas on how to connect with your kids in conversation, check out The Family Dinner Project for some ideas.

To hear more thoughts for foster parents on helping your foster children succeed in school, check out last week’s podcast! I chatted with Ernest Henderson, Jr., who is Associate Director of Eastern Washington Education Programs at Treehouse. Ernest is not only an education advocate for youth in foster care—he is also a former foster youth AND a former foster parent. He really knows his stuff and had some great insight to share!

10 Ways to Own Spring Break Before Spring Break Owns You

April 11, 2019April 10, 2019Leave a comment

I love routine.

I love the rhythm of life we enjoy, with church, school and extracurricular activities forming a framework around which we build in waking, sleeping, play time and down time.

My kids thrive when we have a routine. I thrive when we have a routine. The house runs (pretty) smoothly thanks to these rhythms and routines.

Which is why Spring Break can be so very challenging.

Winter is over (at least chronologically if not meteorologically), and the end of the school year is in sight. Excitement is in the air and we don’t always know what to do with our Big Feelings. And in the middle of it all, we have a full week off from school. Not long enough to establish new routines, but too long for the “let’s just play it by ear” we can sometimes get away with on Saturdays.

(Who am I kidding? Even our Saturdays have to follow a routine, starting with Dad making pancakes. But Dad goes to work on Monday! He is not here to make pancakes during the week of Spring Break!)

Its taken me some time, but I have learned a few things that can make or break a week off from school. If you work outside the home, you have likely already arranged childcare. But if your kids are home with you all week, here are a few ways to own spring break—before spring break owns you!

1) You must have a plan. Waking up on Monday morning, kissing my husband goodbye and facing multiple little faces looking at me and asking, “What are we doing now, Mom?” is not the time to think about what the week is going to look like. A few weeks or even days before the break, take time to do some planning. What camps are available and affordable? What discounts can you find? (Kids Bowl Free and Kids Skate Free are two wonderful resources!) What’s happening at your local library, museums, parks and rec, YMCA, etc? The weekend before the break, check the weather for the week. What days can you plan to be outside? What days do you need an inside plan? What groceries do you need for lunches?

2) Get outside! I make it a priority to get the kids out of the house for at least a few hours every day of a break, usually by 10:00 AM. Playgrounds, day hikes, the zoo, bowling, heading to the Seattle Aquarium (which offers free access to foster families), and going to the YMCA and running around on the track are a few of the things we’re doing this week. Kids need to move, and these are some great ways to engage their minds and bodies!

3) Make-ahead meals. I’m a big fan of cooking a few times a week and having things in the freezer that I can just heat up for dinner. This is especially important now that my family has gone almost-vegan (I’m not giving up my half-and-half!) In the past, I could just grab a rotisserie chicken and bagged salad if I didn’t have time to cook, but now I have to be more intentional. I keep vegan stews and soups in the freezer, along with vegan “meatballs” and sandwich patties for last-minute meals. The witching hour is always a challenging time to make dinner. It’s twice as hard when the kids have already been together all day and are tired, cranky and at each other’s throats right around the time I’m making dinner.

4) Give breaks from one another. My kids are each others’ primary playmates. They are just always together, which can be really sweet—and can also mean “too much of a good thing.” For the sake of pacing, I try to find ways to give my kids space from one another during the day. One way we do that is to go to the YMCA, where they are able to play with other kids. Another thing we do each day is 30-minutes of reading/looking at books on their beds. Each child gets 15-30 minutes of “Special Time” (one-on-one time with a parent, which Positive Parenting Solutions calls “Mind/Body/Soul Time”) each day as well. One child gets his Special Time first thing in the morning, as he is almost always the first one awake. Another child always gets her Special Time at bedtime. However you can make it happen, it makes a huge difference to your kids!

5) Coordinate with other caregivers. I am not always able to make this happen, but when I can, it’s great. I coordinate with another mom or two to take turns having each other’s kids over for playdates so that we can each get a little time alone. Sometimes that means I split my kids up and one goes to one friend while the others go to another friend, but however we can make it work, it helps!

6) Involve your spouse if possible. I understand this is not always possible—either you don’t have a spouse or partner, or that person doesn’t have a flexible work schedule. But if you can, talk with your spouse/partner and ask them when they might be able to give you a little extra support. For me, this means my husband goes to work a little later than usual (sometimes an hour later) and he handles all of the morning activities (getting dressed, eating, etc.) before 8:00 AM. It also means that he is “on call” to take a child who is acting out and needs to be separated from the flock for a little reset. (This doesn’t happen often, but we need options when one of our kids is ruining it for everyone else. Sometimes it’s just necessary, unfortunately.) If you’re the one who prepares dinner each night, maybe you could ask your partner to take the lead on one or two dinners this week.

7) Guard some personal time. Guard it as if it were the Holy Grail. You simply cannot expect to burn the candle at both ends and be surrounded by little people who need things from you all the time and not lose your mind. Whether it’s staying in bed reading a little longer than usual while your partner takes care of the morning routine, taking the kids to the YMCA and hitting the track or a yoga class, or putting a movie on for them so you can sit and enjoy a cup of herbal tea, you need to carve out space for yourself to refresh.

8) Put on a movie, for heaven’s sake! We limit screen time in our house. Generally speaking, our kids don’t watch TV on school days. They each get a bit of screen time (ABC Mouse, Friv4School, or PBS Kids Games) at night, if they are all ready for bed before a certain time. But otherwise, we just try really hard to provide other options for them. (They fight us hard on this, FYI. It’s not easy. They are obsessed with screen time and limiting it is a daily battle.) But I believe we are doing them a service by placing strong boundaries around their minds and what goes into them, especially those who are in elementary school. I also believe we are helping them by insisting that they learn how to entertain themselves without screens! (I recommend the book The Tech-Wise Family: Everyday Steps for Putting Technology in Its Proper Place by Andy Crouch, by the way.)

That said… Spring Break is one of the few times in the year when my kids watch a movie pretty much every day. In the afternoons, around 3:00 or so, when we have been on the go having picnics and zoo adventures and bike rides and the like, everyone (including me) needs some down time. I try to time it so that the movie will end around the time when dinner is ready. The point is, buy yourself some down time. Extra screen time during Spring Break is part of what makes it so fun!

9) Keep to your sleep/wake schedule. I know plenty of families in which breaks from school mean kids can stay up late, sleep in late, and just generally roll with things. While I can totally see why a parent would allow that, I’ve come to learn that it simply doesn’t work with my kids. We need to maintain our same night time and morning routines. The kids each have checklists, and they do them whether we are on a break from school or not. If we don’t, it doesn’t take long for the wheels to fall off and the family wagon to go completely off the rails. Again, kids—especially kids who have experienced trauma in their past—thrive when they have regular routines. This is especially true when it comes to sleep schedules!

10) Stay connected with your kids and focus on having FUN! If you have more than one child, finding time for one-on-one connection can be pretty challenging. But it is something that is so very important! When a parent is intentional about giving one-on-one time to each child on a regular basis, sibling strife can be reduced. For a child in foster care or adoption, connecting with their caregiver is so vital. Anything else that might happen in the context of family flows from this connection. Without it, there is no ground for attachment, trust or respect between the child and their caregiver.

For me, this means finding time for each child to have at least fifteen, if not thirty, minutes of one-on-one time every day, even during Spring Break, even when we are all already together most of the day. Reading books together, playing a board game, letting my daughter do my makeup, and playing chase are just some of the things my children choose for “Special Time.” I find that when I don’t make time for this, the sibling rivalry and power struggles between my kids and each other and my kids and me are worse.

There is no way to plan a perfect Spring Break. The kids will fight, your patience will be tested, and everyone will experience some disappointment and exhaustion at some point during the week. The house will never be tidy enough, you’ll feel like you’re going from one mess to the next, and forget about taking on any big projects that week. (I had a few things I had hoped to accomplish during Spring Break this year. I realized on Monday that I had to put that little list in my desk drawer, to be revisited when the kids are back in school.)

That said, these tips are a big part of how we can not merely survive the day, but how we can really find our way to flourishing, even in the strange season of Spring Break.

After all, we need to take measures to own spring break before spring break owns us!

Tag: school